Cripes!!

It's been like forever since I posted a damn blog update. Shit, time is moving way too fast...time to get some thoughts down methinks!! Just not today, due to Halo running my life at the moment. Damn game.

PUN

Bored shitless...5:50am Sunday morn...

I was perusing through peoples blogs, and decided I would finally stop by mine and drone off some bored thoughts. Ever just sit there at times, looking out a window, and there isn't particularly anything going on, but your mind races at like 100 mph and shit? I thought I would jot down some of this shit, because you never know...it may just be a formula to cure a disease, or stop world hunger, or maybe, just maybe, might wake up my wife so she will fix a pot of coffee so I don't have to. Cripes I'm a seriously lazy fuck anymore. How hard is it to make a pot of coffee. Let's see...water: check. Filter: check. Coffee: checkarooni. Ok, now here's the part I hate...we buy beans, not pre-ground shit, so I gotta dump so many beans in the shredder/grinder/finger remover, grind the poor bastards into dust, then CAREFULLY (wife tells me like this...CAREFULLY OK? CARRRRRRREFULLY...almost....YOU ASSHOLE,..YOU JUST DUMPED GROUNDS PAST THE FILTER, GET THE FUCK AWAY, I'LL FINISH! Of course, I did that on purpose, so she thinks I'm a dolt who can't even make coffee correctly, so she always does it. Ok, back to laziness...so then ya dump the water in, and turn it on. Cripes, that's serious fuckin work if you ask me baby. I hate makin it. Why? No fucking clue. It takes literally seconds, yet seems like hours. WTF has happened to me? Oh yea, I'm lazy. I admit it, and those who don't...yer fuckin' either lying, or your one of those uber clean types, which of course I wish I had married one of those to pick up after me.

Hell, I aint dissin my wife, she does good for me, but of course, if I ask her to vaccuum, she wants me to bleed dust from my ass in 50 pound loads or some shit before she breaks out that fuckin machine. Out of all the chores around the house, why she hates vaccuuming so much is beyond me. You don't get dirty, the damn thing has a motor so ya don't have to push it with force (at least hers (well...ours, heh) does, not all of them of course, but you knew that too didn't ya asshat? Don't get pissy with me k?) And it even has a cool headlight helping you find all those little crumbs and shit nuggets your family kindly leaves behind on the fuckin floor. Sounds almost like a fuckin theme park ride eh? I guess her (well...ours, heh) vaccuum, is my coffee. Fuckin makin coffee sucks.

Wait, this was about boredom, and since I went and took a break (wiz) and came back to this, I'll get back on subject. Ok, things goin through my head a while ago, as I was staring out the window. Now these may seem like rantings or some shit, but in all seriousness, I was just grooving to myself thinking about random shit. Ok, here goes nuttin.

Peanut Butter on crackers or toast, what is better, 'cause I'm hungry, and that's easy. Window's pretty dirty, better tell the wife. My right shoe seems a bit tight (I look at it awhile) these shoes are fuckin lame, how much did they cost, I got goinked...fuckin shoe salesman. I need some aspirin, but I don't want that fuckin taste this early in the morning. Goddamn back is killin me, fuck. Meds time, I'll get 'em in a bit. I wonder if we have aspirin still. What the fuck is aspirin made from? Who in the fuck discovered that this white shit would heal pain? Did he just eat a fuckin mouthful and say, goddamn, this shit helps pain! Hungry still, got some pizza, but it's all old and dry and shit. I like pizza even when it's old and dry. I seriously need some food, I didn't eat dinner. I bet that bird fuckin shits on my car. The crow scared him away, heheh, that was funny, damn shittin on my car wannabe fuckin bird. Crow left, birds back. Fuckin bird. Fuckin bird looks all diseased and shit. Man that's one fucked up lookin robin. I wish I had my pellet gun. Bird got a bug or worm. Oh shit, gross, it squish ate that fucker. I'm not hungry anymore. I need some meds, bad. Aspirin too. Who named aspirin anyway? That's a stupid fuckin name for that shit. I woulda called it "painaway" or some easy shit like that. I seriously hate the fuck who named aspirin now. Was that dude's name Lord Aspirin Aspercreme or some shit? Stupid fuckin asshole. T-shirt needs changing. Burnt a hole in it tonight. Burnt through to my chest. Fuckin hurt like a bitch. Hahaha I need a smokers bib. Fuckin bird is grossin me out, it ate something worm like, and it looked like string shit. I hope that fucker gets a damn attack from it just so I have something to watch other than it feeding on gross shit. I seriously wish I had my pellet gun. Bird left, didn't shit on my car, but dropped a load on my lawn. I'll probably step on that spot later, barefooted. Fuck, I seriously want that bird off the planet. Shitting on my lawn, damn I am seriously not hungry now. I hate birds. STOP!!!!!!!!!

Ok, I know that seemed like a lotta shit, but that was only like 3 minutes of my morning. At least I turned on the puter for a bit, and I'm not bored anymore. I could seriously use an aspirin and my meds though, so until next time dear readers...lates.

PUN

Thought of the day: If you are a smoker, do you wish you could smoke in your sleep?

PS. I'm not gonna edit this, so if there are misspellings and f'd up vocab, tough shit.

Time flies like mofo!

Well, I was gonna write in this thing a lot more than I have been, but cripes, I have just been a lazy mofo. I will get back to biz soon, because I have a few choice notes to drone on about. Be sure to check back in the next...oh...six...or seven months from now, at the rate i'm going, for some newer shiznit.

Hugs,

PUN

PS. Thought of the day: If you had three hands, where would you want the third one to be placed?

PPS. The answer to the above question, cannot contain words about the mid torso. Sick biznatches.

WTF....over?

I'm seriously starting to get pissed at the 360. Why you ask? Well, let's see...I am now on my seventh (yea, seventh...aint this a bitch?) one, and it is now doing the same thing the other 6 started doing before they went tits up. First, it starts with a bunch of dirty disc errors. Then, after those become less frequest, I get the white background with "Please place this disc into an xbox 360 to play" message in like 8 different languages. That damn message is about as lame as it gets. Then, after a few of those, then damn thing just will stop playing xbox games, and just give me the second message above, no matter how many times I open and close the disc drive. Now, here's the thing...I play the 360 a LOT. But never have I had to replace any console I have owned until now. Every other console has held up with my gaming, except this one, and I'm pissed.

After my 2nd one took a shit, I went out and bought that fan kit for it. A few weeks later, it took a shit. The 4th met the same fate a few months later. Took said fan off, and brought in aa table fan for it. No difference, the rest took a shit too. I have tried to keep it cool, have tried all the other fixes people seemed to have stated worked, and to my surprise, nothing has helped. Is anyone else having this problem? Again, it has been the dvd drive on every one that i have had...wtf? I'm too pissed to be witty this post, so I'll leave it here, as I start to call MS once again for my return box. Muddaphuck!!

PUN

How I cherish the little ones...Part Two

Well ladies and gents, the 2 devil children (in case ya missed my last blog, I had my nephews ages 10 and 6, stay with me for a week) are now back in their cave they call home. One thing I noticed immediately...holy shit it's quiet. I mean a scary kind of quiet...like these two are still here, but hiding somewhere ready to spring out to give me a freakin coronary. Their father (my brother) is a fucking piece of shit, but you didn't hear that from me. The bastard shows up at like 9:20am all ready to pick them up. Cripes, the kids hadn't even got their shit ready to go yet, and here is this non-phone using asswipe all in a hurry to skip town and shit. Oh wait, he DID use the cell phone alerting me he was coming...from my driveway, the little fucktard. So now we have these 2 unkempt children, scurrying all over the house, throwing shit into their bags all willy nilly, and rushing into every damn room looking for their loose shit. I swear, I'm missing a few pairs of shoes, some of my watches, a damn bicycle, my wife's jewelry, my stereo, and I haven't been able to find our two cats anywhere. Who knows what fuckin treasures they escaped with. I swear this was all a ruse to rip me off or some shit. Then the wife brings me back to reality and reassures me they didn't steal shit, and I slowly agree, well, after I do a room to room item check.

Let me tell ya about my brother for a sec. Ok, when we were kids, he loved dogs and cats. Since my mom was deathly allergic (and I mean DEATHLY) to cat dander, we could never own a cat. Not that it mattered to me, I wasn't really a cat person anyways, but he sure was. We traveled to my aunts house, and of course, my mother told our crumb snatching asses to go outside and play. I think we were about 4 and 9 at the time (I'm the elder of us). Within 2 minutes of being outside, my brother has this cute as can be kitten following him everywhere. Of course, after 1 more minute, the damn kid has it named, and how it's gonna spend the rest of it's days with him. Why I can remember this so clearly is beyond me, but this cat was grey, with a bit of black on it's chest, and he named it "Smokey". So Smokey and him were inseperable for the entire day. He shared his lunch and dinner with him, gave him water, and pretty much held the poor thing for 12 hours straight, since he didn't want him to run away. When we were about to leave the next day, good ol' Smokey was waiting for us on my Aunt's front porch, purring like crazy when my brother picked him up, only to be yelled at for touching a cat by dear old mom. So anyway, the family is hugging each other goodbye, and all those niceties are going on, when my brother is found, sitting nice and neat in the car ready to go home. He wasn't talking at all, and my mom figured he was mad since he had to leave Smokey behind. I tolerated my little brother, since he was such a pain in my ass, but I felt bad for him too, since all he did on the way home was stare out the window...the poor little titbaby.

About halfway home, my mother starts gasping and wheezing like she was dying, and then all she was saying was that damn cat this, and damn cat that. I mean, my mom is literally all red, and wheezing like a chain smoker and shit. She had to pull over into a gas station so she could "wash all the cat off" of my brother. So they are in the bathroom for a few minutes, when all of a sudden, I hear this damn noise. It was like a muffled baby cry or something. About 10 seconds later, I heard it again, but just thought it was some teenagers messing around in the car parked next to us. Anyway, mom and the bro are heading back, and again, that same noise hits, and the teenagers had already pulled away. I start looking around, thinking something is wrong, and of course mommy dearest wants to know why I'm crawling all over the back seat and shit. Then, the sound goes off again. My mom hears it plain as day, and asks me, what the hell is that?? I freak out because I have no fuckin clue. All this time my mom is yelling at me to sit down, in between her coughing and breathing jags, when the noise starts again, and this time, it doesn't stop. My mom literally freaks the hell out, then we freak out, and then she orders us out of the car, there's a damn rat in there or something! Lucky for us, there was a California Highway Patrolman at the gas station, and my mother, looking like she just finished a marathon, was going bonkers because there was a damn rat in our car, and asked the cop if he could help her out. The cop says no problem, and he starts going through the car, and he can hear the sound, because it has been non-stop now for about 5 minutes. The cop starts taking our bags out of the car so he could look through the interior better, when all of a sudden, he picks up a suitcase, and the noise is coming from INSIDE the damn thing. The cop asks us to step back, because he knows this fuckin rat is inside, and he don't want us getting bit. He slowly opens it up, and looks inside, and sees....nothing. All of a sudden, one of the shirts starts wiggling, and the cop steps back a bit and grabs it, whisking it onto the blacktop. Bigger than shit...guess who? SMOKEY! Yes dear readers, my brother loved that fuckin cat so much, he packed the poor bastard, into an already too full suitcase. I swear to god, how that thing survived is beyond me. Of course my mother and the cop are in fits of laughter, my brother is in tears because he thinks he's going to jail, and there's me, knowing after all is said and done, I'm probably gonna get an ass beating for this shit. Don't fret though...the cat was given to a family friend, and it lived a long and prosperous life with them, thank goodness. Good ol' Smokey, that was one toughass sumbitch of a cat baby!!

So anyway, back to the present. After scanning the house to make sure we weren't missing any cars or microwaves and shit, I sat back and started asking the wife if she wanted to have them over on their next break. I shit ya not, we paused, and then just started laughing, like fucking insane asylum inmates and shit, not even knowing wtf was so funny. I believe I left you readers on last Thursday, if not, I'm gonna start from friday am anyway, because I don't feel like going back and checking since I'm a lazy POS. Ok, so let's see...Friday, and the kids wake up...oh yea, start with the dream sequence thing, 'cause here we go.

Friday early am the wife gets back in town from her vacation, yea!! I get to sleep finally, YEA! (YEA! my ass...evil spouse wretch)

Friday am. This was a bit odd, the young one decides to sleep in today!! Yippee!! Right? Meh, yea right. This am the freakin older one decides to wake up at the ungodly hour of 4:45 mudda phreakin AM. Now, after being awaken at these ungodly early hours is getting the better of me, and as he stares lovingly at me, wanting to be fed (of course) and squared away, I decide enough is enough. I stare at him for what seemed like an eternity, and then muttered in a raspy ass morning tone..."Why don't you ever wake up your goddamn aunt in the morning??!!??". He replies, because you make breakfast better. Well fuck me, ya hear that world, I make breakfast better than my wife!! Hallelujia, I must have the magic fuckin milk pouring touch, since all I have fed these damn kids since they arrived is Pop-tarts and cold cereal every freakin day. When I told the little asshat this, and then asked why are my breakfasts so much better, he gave the all so perfect answer..."I don't know, they just are". After stating this little gem of wisdom, my wife rolled over, still asleep, and grunted. I just looked over at her, and as I was pulling the covers off of me, "accidentally" knocked every damn bed linen on the floor. Oooops, clumsy me. I then proceeded to run out of the bedroom like a little beeyotch before she woke up. I told my nephew that if he ever woke me up before 5am again, I would break his legs, and then do something to hurt him really bad (and he then thinks that's some funny shit....oooooo if he only knew how much I feared jail....muwahahahaha). So he's munching and crunching happily, as I sit there with my eyes half shut, semi-drooling on myself, when right on cue, the little one makes his appearance. What does this little shit say to me? Was it Good Morning? Nope. Was it, nice to see you Uncle PUN? Nope again. It was, and I'm quoting here..."Why did you guys make so much noise? You woke me up." My arms instantaneously starting acting on their own, and I started shaking imaginary children to and fro for like 5 minutes. Again, the fear of a cellmate named Big Dick Bubba got the better of me, and I calmed down before I did anything drastic to these damn Hellspawn. Four-mudda-farkin-forty-holy-shit-I-can't-believe-this-five AM.

Friday PM. Dinnertime. The want of shaking children violently has been going through my mind on and off all day, but at dinnertime, a time where MY kids were taught to chill out and actually eat their meals, went a bit shitty. Now, I'm sitting there, cooking up some chicken nuggets and fries, when the little one is practicing a damn dance move or some superhero flight trick and shit. He starts off by kneeling on the chair, when I tell him to sit down correctly. I guess in 6 year old language, that means stand on the chair before sitting on your ass. He stands up, and then it happens....boom! He falls off the chair, and since the table was in my way, I can't see how he lands, but it made this massive "thud" sound. Now, I don't know about you, but anytime a kid does some shit like that, and you know it's gonna be serious most likely, your damn heart sticks in your throat as you rush over to them. I make it to him in like 2 gigantic leaps, and see him heaped in the fetal position on the floor. Oh fuck, this kids gonna have to go to the hospital, I know it. Oh my god, my brother's wife is gonna shoot me in the kneecaps. I musta thought out 15 scenarios of doom, when all of a sudden, the kid looks at me, then starts laughing. Holy FUCK! I shit you not, I think I aged like a minimum of 7-8 years on that one. I lifted the demon child from the floor, planted his ass on the chair, and said, if he moved one inch, I was gonna feed him to the neighbors big assed dog. I think he knew I was uber pissed/relieved, because he pretty much didn't say too much during the rest of the meal. Little bastard.

Saturday am (also known as the "Day the kids go home" day!! Weeeeeeeeee!!). The kids wake up at a decent hour today, if you call 7 am a decent hour on a Saturday. We are doing great this morning, and for some reason I am unusually cheerful. I mean I'm almost skipping around the house and shit. Hmmm, I wonder why? Anyway, after the breakfast meal was done, and cleaned up, I tell the kids to get their shit together, because their dad is gonna be there pretty soon. For some reason I start singing and shit, I wonder why? The kids are looking at me funny this morning, maybe it's because I am not growling for some odd reason. They finish picking up and packing their shit, when I decide we may as well get some gaming in before they head back home. We just sit down to start, and the phone rings. I do a pirouette or two on my way to the phone, again, singing as I answer. Helllllllloooooooooo! Then, I think it happened about 3 seconds into the call...but I believe I grew a fucking tumor in record time when I heard my brothers voice. Now, why would I get a tumor upon hearing my brother's voice? It was due to him sounding like he had fucking Malaria or the Bubonic Plague and shit, the lying cocksmoker. He then goes on to tell me he feels really bad, and that he doesn't think he can stay awake because of these meds he had to take and all sorts of other doombringer shit. I then hear the words I knew were coming all along..."Hey bro, would you mind if I picked up the kids tomorrow?". Well batter me and fry me in fuckin hot oil...I knew it!! I tell him that his "cold medicine" is probably whiskey, and his so called "sickness" is a fuckin hangover from the day before, the uber assed POS. Of course I agree, and when the kids hear this, they go ape shit, and start running through the house. My tumor grew like 3 times larger by the time I hung the phone up, since I was wishing bad shit on my brother...like a damn voodoo witch doctor and shit. If I knew how to make a voodoo doll, I woulda done it baby. In hindsight I shoulda just hit the web and Google'd voodoo doll. The bastard.

So anyway, I shake off the call, and then ask the kids what they wanna do for their final day...AGAIN. The 10 year old now says he wants to play Gears of War on the "Insane" setting. I think about it a second, and then tell him, that it may take like days to finish it, since it was a lot harder than the casual setting. Like that was gonna change his mind, heh...he says no problem Uncle PUN, can we play now? Cripes, I'm thinking if we don't finish, I'll probably be stuck with him until we do, so we go at it. The first level was a drag, he was seeing fiorst hand that I wasn't bullshitting when I said it was a lot tougher. We were dying all over the joint, again and again. He started getting it, and we were starting to really gel as a team by chapter 2. We had to stop for lunch, and all through the meal, all I heard was Berserker this, and Berserker that, and who can kill who, and yadda yadda yadda. For those of you who have played GoW on the Insane setting now, it's pretty tough...admit it, it IS pretty tough bitchass. So after lunch we are nopw working like a super team on steroids. We are rolling through the damn game pretty good now, and the teamwork concept is really working great now. I was pretty amazed at this kids skill, even though this is the third day he has ever even heard of this game, let alone play it. We roll through and make it to the train station at around 6 pm or so, and break for dinner. Again, berserker this, and that and oh shit, please, I was in GoW Hell baby. We get cleaned up, and head back to our battlezone, primed to kick major ass. By about 8pm or so, we are now on the final battle with General Raam. As veterans of this setting know, this is a bitch of a battle. Hell, I have played through this level probably about 5-6 times with various friends, and each time it took quite a while to kick his ass. Sometimes hours!! So we get into it with the top dog, and we put up the good fight, but were decimated by some Kryll on the first run. Then we hit him up again, and I shit you not...we owned that bitch...killed that mofo on the SECOND RUN THROUGH! This was a first for me, and of course my nephew. So what does he do after beating him? After a couple high 5's, he says..."CAN WE PLAY HALO 2 NOW??!!??". I think my tumor grew again after hearing this...shit whenever I beat the dude with other friends, we would damn near bust a hemmerhoid celebrating just how badass we thought we were. This kid just looks at me, and I start LOL, and tell them they need to go to bed, as I put band-aids on my ego and shit. Little bastards.

Sunday am (This better be the day, or I'm gonna have 1 less brother methinks). The kids remind me of just how nice it is waking up at 7 am, by waking up at 5 am, and getting me out of bed. I "accidentally" nudge the wife as I hobble my ass to the kitchen yet again to feed these fuckin bottomless pits. Then this horrible looking thing enters the room and says..."Why did you elbow me in the ribs, you asshole?". I said, good morning to you too honey, care for some Cocoa Puffs? She replies with a loving..."Asshole"...then makes coffee, and then leaves the room. The kids are telling me they hope their dad calls again, and has something wrong with him so they can stay another day. Well aint that sweet, wishing pain and disease on your father so you can play video games...damn Hellspawn children. We end up playing some...what else...Halo 2 for a bit, then, we go about cleaning up for them to head home, but still, there was shit to be done, but screw it, we needed to Halo 2 baby! As told above, my bro shows up at 9:20 am, all hyper to get back home. After we get them packed and loaded up, I go to say goodbye to the kids. First, the 10 year old thanks me, and wants to come back as soon as possible. I just say, "we'll see buddy, whenever you get another break from school, and your mom and dad are ok with it, alright?"...and then I move onto the 6 year old. Now, of course you can only be an asshole 99.9% of the time, well at least that's my personal breakdown. The other .01% happened to me when I got over to the 6 year olds side, and he starts crying, throwing out the puppy dog look, and turned up lip, saying how he is gonna miss me. Awwwww...fuck, that shit was too cute. That made up for the rash of shit he gave me during meal times, and plus it got me a bit sniffly too....the little bastard. As they drove away, I stood there waving, and as they rounded the corner out of sight, I headed back into the house. I walk inside, and I''ll be damned...it was just too quiet. My little buddies were gone, and how I thought I would enjoy some silence, turned out to be just the opposite. Aint it a drag how kids can get under your skin so easily, and quickly? Heh, dammit...now I really miss 'em. The cool little bastards. Well, except for my brother...he's still a POS...wait, he's more like a TOS (Tub Of Shit).

PUN

Quote of the day: "What's another word for thesaurus?" - Steven Wright