Away for a while

My mother-in-law passed away last night. She lost a far too quick battle with cancer. It's been very difficult to comprehend that she is no longer with us. I've been trying to be strong for my wife. No matter how I do, I know I'll feel like it's not enough. No family should have to go through this.

To all my friends- I apologize for ignoring your invites. When you've seen me on, I've been mostly playing in my own party. It's been too difficult to talk about. I hope to be able to game with you all soon.

Any prayers or good thoughts you can send this way to Kasey's family would be extremely appreciated.

I know we'll get through this, but it'll be a steep road ahead. But I know things will get better even though it feels bleak.

Love the ones in your life and let them know how much they mean to you.

More bad news

I really wish I could have a blog with some good news, but things have been getting worse.

It all started less than a week ago when my mother in law went into the hospital with a headache. Several days later and a 5 hr trip later, we discover the news- she has cancer. Turns out it is Stage IV melanoma. Her prognosis- 2 months to live.

As bad as that news is, things just got worse. After coming home from the hospital, she took a turn for the worse. She was talking that night, the next morning she couldn't move. She had another radiation treatment scheduled and we had to readmit her to the hospital. Prognosis is now 2 weeks at the most.  Blood has gotten into her brain.

She really can't say much. Can murmur yes and no and an occasional "I love you".

My heart hurts so much writing this. I feel so bad for my wife and her step dad and her whole family. It hurts so much to see them hurting. I'm trying to be her rock and it's so difficult in the state I've been in with the recent passing of my uncle. Last few days have felt like a nightmare and not looking up.

If there are any of you that can pray that she leaves this earth as painless, and as much as it pains me to say, as quickly as possible. Her name is Karin (Penny is what her friends know her as).

Please pray for mercy for this family and love the ones in your life.

Attempting to cope

Thank you to those that left kind words from my last blog. I appreciate it and means a lot.

Last few days have been strange. I don't know that it's really sunk in. I am aware of it, obviously, but I don't really know that it's completely reached me that he's gone. I don't feel much and feel a bit empty. That being said, I feel bad knowing I shouldn't be feeling this way. My father-in-law and stepmother-in-law came in on Friday. They had originally planned to come for a while and I asked that they still come to visit. I figured a little bit of routine might help. I don't know if it has or not.

For those that don't know, I play in a lot of different musical groups. My main one is an orchestra where I play the lead trumpet part. Well the concert was scheduled for tonight with a dress rehearsal yesterday. I wasn't sure what to do about it. I felt I needed to be with my family, but at the same time, I've made a committment to play with the orchestra and my part is very important. When I was talking to my mom, she actually requested that I still go on with the concert and that she would actually feel worse if I didn't do it.

Most of my family is from up north in Massachusetts/Rhode Island. It's about a 13 hour trip. My parents or the rest of my family has told me that I do not need to be there for the funeral. I didn't want them to think I didn't want to be there, because I do. They've all said the same thing- if I lived closer, it would be one thing, but obviously don't. I think that is contributing to the odd feelings I'm having. We are sending a floral arrangement that is very pretty. Funeral is on Monday- they are having a casket but his body won't be there, they are just going to have his picture on it. They are spreading the ashes on Tuesday in the ocean- just like my other uncle.

The rehearsal yesterday was a mess. Getting there was a story in itself. The main road to get there was shut down (according to news, someone hit a light pole and all lanes were closed. So I had to re-route around which took about 15 mins more. On the way, there was another wreck on the re-route that took another 30 mins. It was a good thing I had left early, but still got there 30 mins late. We usually do a recording so they need all the parts there and had to redo some parts when I got there, which made me feel pretty bad. Recording sessions are not fun whatsoever. Any time the smallest sound happens (from a cough to someone turning a page), we have to start a section over. Then the missed notes, and it can take quite a while. Aside from the way I was feeling the frustration was making it very taxing. On the way home (1hr and 1/2 drive normally) there was another accident, this time on the highway. This one took almost 45 mins. A tractor trailer apparently lost its trailer- half was on left side, the cab was on the right.

Today was the concert. Traveling was much better. Concert went well. I dedicated my performance to my uncle. Thankfully I played good for him. It was a packed house and heard a lot of good feedback about it. Hopefully that will get more to come to next one.

Currently- very tired. Haven't slept too well. Been using video games as a method of keeping my mind busy.

Rest In Peace....

I haven't sent a blog in quite a long time. Mostly procrastination. Some of it is that I usually don't have much to say I would think anyone would want to read. This one is mostly therapeutic- I hope.

Tonight I lost a very close family member. He was my uncle David. He took his life.

My uncle David was hard to describe- you really had to know him. He was the life of the party, class clown, black sheep, etc. Whenever there was a get together and he was in the room, there was laughter. He was a fantastic storyteller. He was a prankster. He was more like a brother figure than a typical uncle. He was a lovable guy- it was very hard not to like him. Unfortunately, his life was hard. He was a hard worker, but had hard time finding a job that suited him for the long term. He had two young kids with a woman(witch is a better description) that would refuse to let him see them and would tell his children lies so they would be on her side. That's just the tip of the iceberg.

One short story- he was at our wedding. We had a bunch of pictures taken by the photographer for our wedding album. When we got it back, we went through all the pictures and got to the last page. The very last photograph was my uncle David with a pair of fake teeth (all crooked, some missing) and this goofy grin on his face. Makes me laugh everytime.

Depression is a very big hereditary factor in my family. My grandmother had bipolar disorder. My mom, as well as aunts and uncles have it., as well as myself. I had lost an uncle when I was younger to it and never thought it would happen again. He had been depressed for a long time. He had been on medication, but nothing worked.

It still has not quite stuck in that he is gone. My mom is taking it very hard. I'm still in shock. He is no longer hurting. We will never get over his loss, we can only hope some of the pain will go away.

There are times when I feel down. But in a moment like this, it makes me appreciate the life that I do have. I have depression, so I understand the type of pain he must have been going through. I am not one to think "how could he be so selfish?", because I know with a pain like that it's hard not to think about anything but making the pain go away. But at the same time, I could not do what he did. I would never want to put my loved ones through that pain. But I do not resent him, I sympathize for his pain.

He was a good person. His disease ultimately was too much for him to handle.

If you're still reading this, please pray for my family.

Also keep your own family close to your heart and never take them for granted. You never know when they may no longer be there.

Back from vacation!

Almost a year without blogging, decided I was well overdue for a blog.

Got back from a few days in Williamsburg at Busch Gardens/Water Country. We decided to do it in the middle of the week so there would be a bit less of a crowd.

We started with Busch Gardens. Weather great at 93 degrees. Not a cloud in the sky. Rode all the coasters. Rode Griffon for the first time, and that was great! I've been on a ton of roller coasters, but this was the first that tips down the drop and hangs there for about 5 secs, then drops you 90 degrees straight down.   The food there was really good- best for an amusement park (was a show on Food Network about Amusement Park food and it featured Busch Gardens). We saw a few of the shows- wow are they cheesy. They had an Oktoberfest thing I was interested to see since I play in one at Mountain Lake in October. Musicians were decent, but the singers/dancers- think Disney meets Germany. All the traditions were done very stale and done like a broken record- no authenticity to it, kind of a shame. Ours is better.  Other than that, we had a good time

Water Country was day 2. Once again hot weather, no clouds. Perfect weather for water park. Only one problem- sidewalks were scorching hot. Felt like I could relate to firewalkers to a very slight degree- less you think about the pain, the better.   Thank god for sandals we brought. Was a fun, relaxing day. Some pretty cool slides, a bit more people than I thought, but great time.

Headed back today for a weekend at home to just hang out. We're gonna go see The Dark Knight tomorrow, which I've been waiting to see since the last movie.

Glad to be back and looking forward to gaming again!