Hmmmm...

Do you ever wonder if camels look down and say, "Holy crap!!!  I have a vagina foot!!!"?  Cuz I do. 

Welcome...

I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when
she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some
day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I
asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing
you would do? '

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

Her parents beamed.

'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait
until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and
mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50.
Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out,
and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house. '

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked,
' Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50? '

I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

I'm a slacker!

A procrastinator to the nth degree. I fail in sharing sexy people on a frequent basis and I haven't really written about ANYTHING in forever. I hath uber failed and I'm very repentant, please forgive me.

So, yeah...looking back at my blogs over the last while, it seems as though I haven't blogged anything of any substance in months. Ahhh. Well, lots of things going on.

In the last few months the following randomness has occurred:
(If you don't care about random me/us stuff skip down to the bottom, that's where the 'fun' stuff will be, lol)



***My oldest son, Stephen, moved in with us right before the school year started. I love it and it makes me super happy that he decided I'm cooler than his dad, lol . Unfortunately though he IS your typical 2-weeks-from-being-thirteen-going-through-puberty-and-doesn't-care-about-anything-other-than-the-Xbox-unless-he-is-completely-forced-to-do-so kid. I wish my mother hadn't cursed annoying teenagers on me as a child....I blame all this on her.

***Our furnace went out Christmas Day, which really was the worst present. EVER. Thankfully, my parents rock and own an HVAC company....so they just bought us a new one as an early wedding gift. Not much fun...what with the lack of noises, bullets flying, or flashy lights on a screen, but it does keep us warm so I don't mind at all, lol. Other than the furnace we had a really awesome Christmas...everyone got what they wanted, and some stuff they needed. Good days.

***Since October 22nd I have lost 48 lbs. Go me!

***Wedding planning sucks...but I've got some shit down...finally, lol Craigslist.com is teh awesome. Through the awesomeness of craigslist I have found:

*A pretty good photographer with a pretty decent package: all day coverage, from morning until the end of the reception, all all hi def pics on a disc with print and copyright release (about 200 of our favorites will be fully edited to our preferences), and a dvd sideshow set to music of all of our favorites. For 100 freaking dollars!!

*I found a videographer offering a package with 4 hour at both venues, 2 fully edited DVD's with all the goods, and 2 high-light DVD's as well.......for $175! He just wants to be able to use some of our footage in some advertisement. Sweet arrangement if you ask me.

*Awesome custom cake chic, going to make a bad ass grooms cake for less than $100....and it shall be the effing awesome. I can't tell you what it will be 'cuz the man reads this shit...but pictures will be posted after.

*Custom invitations, RSVP cards, envelopes, and labels for $140. Exactly what I want, not what someone else has. w00t!

*Bakery that actually knows how to make an Italian Cream Cake (without the nuts) and they will do what I want to the damn cake without telling me it can't be done. Bitches, this shit can be done...I watch the damn Food Chanel all the damn time, lol. For $2.90 per slice...of course I could have went with a boring white cake that had no flavor and that everyone would hate for way cheaper...but I LOVE Italian Cream Cake! I generally hate most sweets and for me to actually like anything like that is amazing. This cake is the best damn cake I've ever had. I hope people like it.

*....I think that's all...well, in any case it's all I can think of right now. But yeah, Craigslist totally is the effing bomb. Even if you go on there just to look for cheap hookers, check out some other stuff after you find one....you might find something that's useful for more than 5 minutes.

***Lost friends, found new ones, one went to jail (again...dumbass), somewhat restored contact with ex-bff, met awesome ex-2o2p chic (she rules btw), and we are discovering with all the wedding stuff going on who our REAL friends are.

***My father is making an effort to have a relationship with me, which is amazing, and he is planning on coming to the wedding. I don't have any expectations that he will, and it won't hurt me if he doesn't...but I do hope that he will. It would be nice. Ok, more than nice. But as always: 'Prepare for the worst but hope for the best. That way you will never be disappointed.' I have finally learned to accept him for what he can give and love him for inseminating my mother, lol. He hasn't done much else, lol.

***Last night we got another dog, a playmate for Obi. His name is (Storm) Trooper and he's a white Husky. Gorgeous dog. Hopefully Obi will stop experimenting with his sexual identity soon...I don't want Trooper to be subjected to unwelcome butt secks all the time.

.....Basically, nothing too important, just a bunch of random stuff.

And now for the fun stuff!

Ok, it's not all that fun...but it is funny, lol.

"What I've Learned From Watching Porn"

• Women wear high heels to bed.
• When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
• If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
• Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
• Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
• Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
• A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.
• All women are noisy fucks.
• People in the 70's couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
• A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
• Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
• If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!)
• Double penetration makes women smile.
• Asian men don't exist.
• If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
• When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a brisk slap on the butt.
• Nurses always suck patient's penises.
• When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.
• Women never have headaches... or periods.
• When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".
• A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
• Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there.
• When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.

Pop Quiz Bitches

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Grrrr

hehehehehe